Wilderness Heals: Veteran Returns to the Boundary Waters Wilderness
Today, I'm running though my final packing list and making sure that my gear will once again be ready for a great adventure that that has me very excited. Once again, I will travel north and experience the Boundary Waters Canoe Area Wilderness in winter. For seven days I will travel with my fellow veterans by ski and dog sled in a place that provides a peace seldom found in modern life. The expedition is being put on by Voyageur Outward Bound School, the base camp is called home place. I could not think of a better name, because for me this is a return trip and home place means a great deal to me, and this is why.
Two years ago, I completed a weeklong dog sledding expedition with the Voyager Outward Bound School in the Boundary Waters. As a child, I had followed the expeditions of Will Steger and Paul Schurke as they explored the worlds’ Polar Region. Instead of just reading about these accomplishments from afar, I got to lead a team of dogs through the Wilderness myself and sleep in the snow, leaving with a sense of accomplishment. These new experiences, this accomplishment within me, filled a space in my spirit that had previously been occupied by the darkness of doubt. That darkness told me I would never be good enough, that I was a failure, and a burden. As I led my dog sled out of the Wilderness, I couldn’t help but feel that I was coming out of spiritual wilderness as well.
I joined the Army when I was 17, wanting to serve my country and seeking the adventure the Army was promising. I prepared myself mentally and physically for what I thought would be my long term career. In place of adventure, I experienced the pain of losing those closest to me, sacrificing all that we consider normal and traditional and did my best to survive two tours of duty fighting the war in Iraq. Like many who served alongside me, these experiences change me forever. It’s hardest to see what is inside you but those around me noticed a difference right away. Concern and fear replaced the relief those who love me felt when I returned home, as I stopped doing the things I loved and instead sought out alcohol to dull my pain. The more they asked me to seek help, the more I resisted, unable to admit the depths of my pain and self loathing. Then came the day I decided to kill myself.
Somehow I survived and, through the efforts of my family and the medical staff at the hospital and VA, I began living a zombie like existence. I was “stabilized” but not alive. During this stage of purgatory in my life I found Voyageur Outward Bound School (VOBS). To my surprise, I learned that they were offering free programs to veterans for years. VOBS was one of the first organizations to engage veterans in wilderness program to remind them of what they are able to do, and of things that can still be accomplished. This is not a therapy program. We went into the woods not to talk about our feelings but rather, we learned, side by side, that we are more than the sum of our damaged parts and that who we are, at our foundation, is unchanging and that we have the ability to connect with that again. Each day on the expedition I felt stronger in my sprit. The peace of the Boundary Waters was flowing into me and replacing the poison that had infected me. The bright sun and wind swept tress blowing through and dispersing the darkness. Since that expedition I have been affected by my experiences and resulting PTSD, but because of that expedition I have always had a way to connect back to myself and as a result I have never again thought, taking my life was an answer.
Since that first expedition, the hope I have felt is under threat from a powerful force that could change the Wilderness forever. Less than a mile from my expedition site, on the sun soaked and colorful banks of the Kawashiwi River, companies are already changing this once untouched and wild place. Veterans who are seeking solace from war are now being reminded of it when they are most vulnerable, when they are seeking help. Exploratory activity of a proposed copper mine has washed over the chirps of birds and rustling of animals in the foliage with loud helicopters, explosions and the constant grinding of drills.
I fear this wild place will be lost. I fear that losing the connection to my healing will be losing a piece of myself, and I am afraid of what that would mean for me, for my family and for anyone who needs another answer. I am only one man, but I still believe in fighting for others and I need to do something to stop this from happening. That is why I am sharing my story with you.
I know there are others like me, I believe in never leaving a soldier behind, and so I founded Veterans for the Boundary Waters, partnered with the Campaign to Save the Boundary Waters and Sportsmen for the Boundary Waters. I want to reach those who need this place as much as I do and I am also seeking the support and action of others who recognize the value of this sacred place. Though deeply personal, I have shared my story on video, in Washington D.C, and in front a large crowd at the first listening session in Duluth this past summer.
I have been fighting this fight for two years, and during that time have learned that there are many, many others who have gone to the Boundary Waters (some leading scout troops, others with their families) but all of them have had a similar experience; a reconnection to life they once thought lost.
The Boundary Waters is incredibly unique; the diversity of plants and animals, activities and trails is unmatched anywhere in the world. It is why the Boundary Waters Canoe Area Wilderness is the nation’s most visited wilderness. This place is one of the few truly wild places left for anyone who seeks adventure, who seeks an escape from modern life, who seeks a quieted mind or a reconnection to their spirit.
What the Boundary Waters teaches us is different depending on who we are and our story. I can’t tell you what you will learn or what you will see. I can tell you that the Boundary Waters taught me what it means to live; it showed me the way back to myself and so I fight. I fight to protect this place, as I fought to protect my country. We are a free people, adventure is in our spirit and life is meant to be lived. The Boundary Waters needs to be permanently protected so that it is available to all generations. My fight continues and I invite you to join with me -- submit a comment today. We can do it, but only if we do it together.
